One of our constant struggles as a family is ensuring that our screen time enhances our family bonds rather than driving us apart. It’s easy to veg out, zone out, or even pass out when screens get introduced into family time. Nevertheless, we feel that media can (and should) be a tool for families to use to grow closer together and enjoy one another’s company.

So how is a family supposed to make media work for them instead of against them? While this is an ongoing adventure of discovery for us, we wanted to share a few tips and resources that have helped our family use media in meaningful ways.

1. Start With a Plan

To help keep our media use in check, we developed (and try to constantly update) a family media plan. A family media plan is just what it sounds like. You sit down as a family and discuss the ways you want to use media (including books, shows, games, social media, and anything else that falls into this category). You can set goals for curbing excessive screen time. (Find recommendations for how much screen time is appropriate for kids here). And you can lay out steps for using media to enhance together time. 

We won’t attempt to lay out all of the details for how to develop your family media plan here. The American Academy of Pediatrics has a great article (with some additional resources) on the effects of media use on children and adolescents, both positive and negative. They also have suggestions and examples to help you develop your family media plan (which you can find here).  

If your mobile device is part of your media problem (e.g., you find, like we too often do, that you pay more attention to your phone than to your family members, even when you’re together), then we’d suggest taking the Look Up Challenge from Dr. Katie Penry, a clinical psychologist who specializes in women’s and infant mental health. She has some great resources and tips for being more intentional with your phone and social media.

We do have one practical tip for you as you develop your family media plan: focus more on the way you want to use media rather than on setting too many limits. Media can be a powerful tool for teaching and growing together. You don’t want to eliminate it from your life. And setting too many restrictions can become overwhelming and frustrating. When you get frustrated, you’ll be much less likely to actually stick to your plan. (We know; we’ve fallen off the wagon too . . . a lot.)

So, instead of trying to set up all the fences and barriers, focus your plan on how you will use media to enhance your family ties and build relationships with others.

2. Focus on Your Family’s Values

Many families have strong family values of some kind. Your media should reflect and enhance your family’s values. That is one of the reasons why we include age recommendations and content warnings for the media that we recommend. We want to be sure you know what to expect when you fire up that new Switch game or crack open that book.

Finding media that bolsters your family’s values is not strictly about avoiding negative content. If you find media that reinforces the things you are trying to teach yourselves or your children, that can be just as valuable. If your family values integrity and charity, for example, then find media that praises and exemplifies those virtues. It doesn’t need to be preachy or didactic; it just shouldn’t be the kind of thing where all of the characters are smarmy and nobody is really on the up and up.

So when you’re exploring new media, be sure to check out reviews and other resources to see if the content lines up with your family’s values. We really love sites like Common Sense Media or Compass Book Ratings, which give age ratings and content warnings for a variety of books, shows, and games. 

Common Sense Media in particular typically breaks down what you’ll see in the book/show in fairly specific terms so that you can know going in whether you’ll stumble on a surprise scene that will fog up your windows. They even include some comments about whether the film has positive role models for certain things, which may be helpful for you as well. However, these sites don’t always have reviews of the media we want. When that happens, we try to find reviews from trusted sites or even just the reviews on Goodreads/IMDB.

3. Find Media That is Age Appropriate

Ensuring that your children have age-appropriate media can have a big impact on their development and behavior, particularly if they’re very young. We only have a toddler right now, so it’s pretty easy to put on only media that would be appropriate for him when we decide to watch something together. 

If you have a variety of children at home in different age groups, it might be tougher to satisfy everybody’s needs. Not everyone wants to watch Wonder Pets all the time. But that orc army attacking Minas Tirith might be too scary for Tommy the Two-Year-Old. 

If you’re struggling to find a happy middle ground for all of your kids, you might try finding ways to compromise. Again, we’re a little inexperienced here, so this is mostly conjectural. But you might try having dedicated or periodic times to enjoy different media with different age groups. You might have toddler time while the older kids are at school or doing homework, for example, and teenager time once Tommy has toddled to bed. When it’s time for family movie night, pick a movie that everybody can enjoy but that’s still acceptable for your younger kids. (Several animated movies might fit this bill.)

Here, again, the American Academy of Pediatrics has your back. In this article, the Academy explains how movie and TV ratings systems work so that you know what kinds of things can be hidden behind the “PG” and plan accordingly.  It also provides some solid tips and resources for making sure your media is age-appropriate.

4. Whatever It Is, Do It Together

Although it can be tricky to find a lot of time to dedicate to family media time, engaging in media together is important. This is especially true for young kids. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends co-viewing media for pretty much all kids, but especially for kids under age 5. Excessive screen time or media use for kids is associated with sleep troubles, behavioral issues, lack of learning and development, and childhood obesity. Co-viewing, together with an intentional family media plan, can help avoid the risks of media overexposure in littles.

There is even more good news: you  can absolutely use media to engage with and teach your children when you do it together. You have the opportunity to point out new things, help your child empathize with characters, or practice social skills by interacting with your child while you use media.

This kind of engagement can take many forms. Just as an example, we like to play video games with Geekling. When we play, we set a timer to limit the amount of screen time he gets, but then we let him have a good amount of control in the game itself. We give him a non-functional GameCube controller so he can feel included (but also not break the controllers that still work). 

When we play Pokémon, we try to let him pick where we go in the game, which Pokémon we catch or battle with, and even what to nickname our Pokémon. That’s how we have ended up with such stellar nicknames as “Oh No Stink,” “Butter Roll,” “Good Night Gorilla,” and a small army of Pokémon named “Froggy” that are definitely not frogs. We try to narrate what we’re doing with him so he knows what’s going on, and we try to ask him questions and engage with him to encourage healthy mental development. We have had some super sweet and funny moments playing video games with him.

5. Focus on One Thing at a Time

We have a major problem with multitasking. Nowhere is that truer than with our own media use, after Geekling is in bed. We frequently put on a movie to watch together only for one of us to end up on Instagram while the other plays Switch. And the movie just keeps rolling on without either of us paying it any mind . . . whoops.

But when we focus on one thing at a time, our time together improves immensely. Turns out it’s much easier to engage with each other if we’re not distracted. Who’d have thought? Now, when we sit down to watch something together or play a game, we try to set our other screens off to the side. That way, we can enjoy the moment together without other distractions.

6. Discuss Your Media Together

Discussing your media with family members can bring you together and foster family ties. These discussions can take myriad forms. For example, you might start a family book club (or movie club, or game club, etc.) to engage in deeper, more structured conversations about your family media. 

Or, if that’s not your thing, have more informal discussions about the things you like, dislike, or can’t wait to discover about the media you consume. Some of our favorite childhood memories center around the releases of each new Harry Potter book. Every time one was on the brink of release, we’d jabber for hours with our respective families about what we hoped might happen, who was going to get it this time, whether Snape was a good guy or a bad guy (definitely a weenie whatever his other attributes), or just how much fun it would be to go to Hogwarts. Geeking out together builds bonds and generates conversations that can lead to meaningful experiences.

And, if you’re like us and don’t mind talking during movies, it can be fun to discuss media as you’re consuming it. We frequently critique the movies we watch as we’re watching them. Or, if we are really into something, we feed off of each other’s excitement and curiosity. For us, that makes the experience more enjoyable and helps us discern good movies from total snooze-fests. (Of course, if you or your spouse or kids prefer silent films…then don’t ruin it for them, I guess.)

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We hope that these few suggestions have helped you think about how to make your screen time more meaningful for your family. What do you do to turn your family’s screen time into family time? Did we miss anything? Let us know in the comments!

And if you are looking for new media to enjoy together, we post regular recommendations with simple age guidelines, so you should check out our archives for things to play together, watch together, read together, or learn together. And sign up for our email list using the sign up section at the bottom right corner of the screen so you don’t miss any new posts! We’re still new to the block, but we may have something for your family to enjoy together too.

Feature image by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash